where i'm at

I was caught off guard. Shocked that just one day prior things were somewhat fine and normal, and the next they were so far from fine that every single thing outside [the situation] was suddenly viewed as insignificant, unimportant.

It's been five and a half months today. Five and a half months since my mom died. It's still hard to believe. I'm completely amazed that the world did not stop turning. I was sure it would, but not even a pause.

I don't know what's normal when something like this happens but I'm still having a hard time. It's not that I'm angry. It's that I miss her terribly. The tears still flow without much notice.

She was in the hospital for three weeks. I didn't go to work. But school - I felt (at the time) I couldn't get out of. It was an online writing class and I didn't finish, but while I was trying - I wrote about my mom, and the situation.


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(This is the rough draft I submitted, seems I've misplaced the final version - oh well.)

It's after 3 o'clock AM on Tuesday, August 22, 2006. I sit in a chair, feet propped on the air vent beside a hospital bed. The room is stark, mocking our circumstance. Curtains hang on curved gliders left there to divide the room. A white board keeps track of the date and the name of the night nurse, Jordan. A clock, another reminder of time – ticking away.

I made the move to Seattle three years ago. My mom had been hospitalized, the emphysema was acerbated; I was too far away. The year before she had chosen to make a work-related move here alone, far from the family. Still I needed to be closer, just in case. In the past few months, we have reached the ‘in case’ phase of the journey.

Tonight, as has become the norm, the rhythm of her breathing is irregular. I've adjusted to the sound, that’s what we humans do; we adjust. Soon they will be in to administer another breathing treatment. She'll grumble, but comply. Yes of course she'll comply; she wants to keep breathing.

Our day has been rough, a series of intense moments. A grim picture was painted early on. Most days you can count on people to edit their words, soften the tone. Today we were plainly told that my mom is teetering on the edge. Her lungs have not worsened, but her body is becoming less able to compensate for their shortcoming. Her breathing, at rest, would compare to you or I constantly climbing a staircase without stopping 24 hours a day. That's how hard she has to work for each breath; no rest stops. The longer she climbs the harder it gets.

Current hope rests on a machine called a bi-pap ventilator. It sits beside her hospital bed on a shiny, tray-like stand with five wheels circling. Hope for her future, a hero. Mom thinks it’s a villain, a bully. It forces air through a tube, into a mask -- like a wind tunnel. Its job is to push air into her lungs and hold them open so that she can breathe and her muscles, relax.

Best-case is those muscles will repair from the marathon they've been running. Worst-case they don't and we have to move to intensive care -- where the options are few.

This is the news I relayed, by phone, to my brother in Indiana. He was silent -- I wondered if I had lost the call. But I knew my words were to the point and hard to hear. I continued, telling him that mom had cried when the doctor left the room. And how I tried not to cry as I attempted to soothe her fear, all the while still absorbing the doctor’s words as they bounced around in my head. I repeated what I had said to her, hoping it would also resonate with him, "It’s okay. It's better that we know now, it's better. Knowledge can soothe the fear of the unknown". He broke through to ask when he should fly out. I said I didn't know.

Similar phone calls were held in a series to other family members, mom's siblings. Each reacting in their own way, as individuals do. It felt odd to be the messenger, all ears available to the youngest. Questions, there were plenty – answers there were few. This is where we are, my family and I. Caught in a wind tunnel, holding on for life.

I had peppered the doctor with questions though, admittedly, I had a hard time pairing what he said to thoughts in my mind. His words were clear, but somehow not making sense. I think I’m asking him the same questions every day. Though there’s no mistake his words were meant to prepare us for what’s ahead.

The day moved quickly and I’m losing chunks of time. I’ve taken to making lists of what happens each day so I can prove to myself time didn’t pass without action. I have no idea how long I can deprive myself of sleep. It’s necessary right now, since some of the medicines cause anxiety and it rips me up to leave her here, alone and miserable.

It’s been said that there’s nothing I can do for my mom. That's not a phrase I can digest, I always think there’s something. That statement, “there’s nothing you can do”; it’s a trigger for me. Brings either tears or anger, occasionally both. In this case, it’s true – I can’t breathe for her. Only be there for her, that’s what I can do.

roads

(This image is three stitched together)

"Grab your coat, and get your hat, Leave your worry on the doorstep Just direct your feet, To the sunny side of the street." ~ Dorothy Fields

"Adventure is worthwhile." ~ Amelia Earhart

listening to Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae

from above

Cloud shadows ~ somewhere over Colorado ~ Christmas Day 2006

Lines dancing ~ somewhere over Colorado ~ Christmas Day 2006

Roadways ~ somewhere over Colorado ~ Christmas Day 2006

are you who you want to be?

"A man is what he thinks about all day long."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
~ Thomas Edison

"The work will wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won't wait while you do the work."
~ Unknown

what's the matter?

Beautiful area, but what of that ugly air hovering? ~ Seattle, WA ~ 12.08.06

short days of winter

Mt. Rainier from the North ~ Seattle, WA ~ 12.07.06

"God gave us memories so that we might have roses in December."

--James M. Barrie

precipitation

Blue sky peeks through briefly, but more snow on the way ~ near Maltby, WA ~ 11.27.06

No snow down here, snow up there ~ between Monroe and Duvall, WA ~ 11.27.06

Water droplets on a leaf ~ 11.27.06

"Now is the time. Needs are great, but your possibilities are greater."

- Bill Blackman

the sky is falling

Snow @ (approx.) 48ft. above sea level ~ 11.26.06

It's snowing! The weather people said it would, but we all know that sometimes their predictions don't always see fruition. See a (2.5MB) video of the beginning of the snow here. I say the beginning, because they're saying 1-4 inches.

I went into a store when it was just turning from pouring rain to snow. Came out 20 minutes later to a parking lot of cars covered with snow, though the roads were still clear.

just keep swimming

Deception Pass, Washington ~ 09.16.06

Cargo ship on Puget Sound, Seattle ~ 09.20.06

Cotton candy vendor, Indianapolis ~ 10.07.06

Indiana Ice mascot, Indianapolis ~ 10.07.06

"When you get to the end of all the light you know and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly." ~ Edward Teller

letting a little light in

A rainbow ~ 10.29.06

Spaceneedle ~ 11.17.06

View of a storm brewing over the Puget Sound ~ 11.21.06

Fake flowers in a window ~ 11.21.06

"So long as we are loved by others I should say that we are almost indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

waiting for the sun

nighttime @ the hospital ~ seattle, wa ~ 08.25.06

prohibited

"Machete-wielding woman outside White House" (source: CNN.com)

I'm not sure one way or another (How could I be? Hardly a scrap of information was released.) whether this woman is mentally unstable or proving a point or what. Was she even threatening anyone? Is it illegal (or just prohibited) to carry a 13-in blade on your person? I don't know, maybe it is. But I am wondering about her intentions. By her comment, "What are you going to do -- shoot me?" I'm inclined to think that she was not doing anything illegal, just pushing the envelope.

I'm also wondering why they used the word prohibited, instead of illegal. Of course, I'm not in favor of some person causing death, or injury to others. Still, I'm curious about the facts here. Was she simply handling a machete? Use of the word 'wielding' makes it seem like she was threatening someone. You might say, why should we wait until she threatens someone? Or do you say, where will we draw the line on arresting people when they aren't breaking the law? Maybe I should ask, do we believe it's okay to arrest people on fear-based assumptions?

God forbid the day cameras are deemed a prohibited weapon ... is my point. Though you may not think of a camera as a weapon. I still wonder where will the line be drawn?

Main Entry: pro·hib·it
Pronunciation: prO-'hi-b&t, pr&-
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin prohibitus, past participle of prohibEre to keep off, from pro- forward + habEre to hold -- more at PRO-, GIVE
1 : to forbid by authority : ENJOIN
2 a : to prevent from doing something b : PRECLUDE
synonym see FORBID

Main Entry: wield
Pronunciation: 'wEld
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: Middle English welden to control, from Old English wieldan; akin to Old High German waltan to rule, Latin valEre to be strong, be worth
1 chiefly dialect : to deal successfully with : MANAGE
2 : to handle (as a tool) especially effectively
3 a : to exert one's authority by means of b : have at one's command or disposal
- wield·er noun

(source of definitions: merriam-webster.com)

trust

"Don't Believe What You See in the Papers" (source: slate.com)

We've seemingly have always known that a handful of people can sour the reputation of an entire profession. Yet, it seems still that many do not comprehend how their actions can affect others. Or maybe they just don't care. But the truth is, no matter how big or small, all action causes a ripple effect. And I can feel this one to my core. It's a good conversation to have, really. It's just the uncertainty of where it will lead that shakes me.

"Today, I will wait if the way is not clear. I will trust that out of choas will come clarity." ~ Melody Beattie

remarkable

James Turrell's Skyspace, Light Reign ~ Seattle, WA ~ 08.12.06

A friend of mine is soon to be married in James Turrell's Skyspace, Light Reign at the Henry Art Gallery on the UW campus. It's such a remarkable place, I thought I'd mention it here.

i believe

"I believe in imagining a life, and then trying to live it." ~ fashion designer Jane Hamill

do you want to?

"Time is a created thing. To say 'I don't have time,' is like saying ' I don't want to'." ~ Chinese philosopher Lau-Tzu

windows on the world

It was slow going through downtown this evening. Mariners game, go figure. Anyway, I shot a few architectural photos to pass the time.

08.08.06

08.08.06

let it be

Bee among lavendar ~ Redmond, WA ~ 07.29.06

truer words were ...

"If you want to catch beasts you don't see everyday,
You have to go places quite out of the way.
You have to go places no others can get to.
You have to get cold and you have to get wet, too."
~ Dr. Seuss

sleep, create, whatever ...

Too tired to sleep ~ 07.31.06 ~ created @ jacksonpollock.org

If you're interested, check out this fun web site inspired by the work of Jackson Pollock and created by someone named Miltos Manetas. Once there ... just move the mouse around and click to change colors. Experiment, see what happens! Don't like what you see? Refresh the page and start over.